Rooted Explorer Explained
As cliché as it sounds, Eat, Pray, Love is one of my favorite movies, and books. Each time I watch the movie or read the book, I feel inspired. In the story, the main character Liz finds herself in what could only be described as a crisis of identity. Liz was married, and one day she began to experience something very familiar to me...discontentment. Liz began to look at the life she was building, like REALLY look, and inevitably began to wrestle with the question "Is this really what I want for my life?" Sound familiar? Me too.
This very simple yet powerful question was the catalyst to her journey of self-exploration and in that process, the very direction of her life shifted and she was transformed. I love the story because I identify so strongly with the ideas and concepts it speaks of; discontentment, questioning my life path and choices, identity crises, endings and beginnings, longing, searching, death and rebirth.
There is one particular part in the story where Liz discusses finding One Word. The idea was to identify one word that encapsulates or describes the essence of a particular city or place; Rome for example, was sex. Liz then decides it is important to find her One Word. As I read this part of the story, I got curious about my own word. What would be a word that would accurately describe the very essence of who I am and what drives me? I honestly thought it would take longer than it did, but I quickly landed on Explore. I remember when the word fell into my mind and out of my mouth, it resonated throughout my whole body. The only way I can describe it is when you are building a jigsaw puzzle and you place the last piece, completing the puzzle...revealing the whole picture. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to reflect on the word and why I felt it was a fit. Explore is a verb which conveys action. I am a person of constant movement, both internally and externally...sometimes to my detriment. The actual definition of the word is: "to investigate, study or look into, to become familiar with by testing or experimenting, to travel over new territory for adventure or discovery" and "to examine". As I began to reflect on the word, I had a full realization that I am an explorer at my core, through and through, and always have been. I explore EVERYTHING. I love exploring new places, I love exploring new foods, I love exploring my own inner world and the inner worlds of others. I love exploring thoughts, feelings and motivations for behavior, I love exploring patterns and meaning, I love exploring connections and intimacy, I love exploring the past as well as the intricacies and nuances of the present and visions for the future. Explore conveys curiosity, which is at the heart of who I am and all that I do. Exploration favors the process over the outcome or destination. It denotes a constant search for new and fresh, untapped and unseen. It awakens a sense of wonder and awe. It speaks to possibilities; it is open ended.
As I reflected on my word, I also began to reflect on my life path. I was in my concentration year of graduate school and getting closer to graduation. I decided many years ago, after overcoming an addiction to methamphetamines that I wanted to be a substance abuse counselor. This desire brought me to university where I would complete a bachelor's degree in Human Services with a concentration in addiction studies. I began my work in the field shortly after as a case manager in Medication Assisted Therapy or MAT. After working in the field for a few years I quickly realized that my level of education would not be enough for me to do what I wanted to do, fully. I knew if I stopped there, I would not be able to be what I truly wanted to be...a therapist. I had a desire to go deeper. I not only wanted to treat substance abuse but all of the complexities surrounding it including its root causes. Mental health, mental illness, identity issues, grief, and trauma were all areas I was passionate about but was not able to fully engage with professionally. If I wanted to explore and treat these issues with individuals, along with the substance abuse, I had to go back to school. I made the decision to apply for graduate school and after much thought, decided to get my degree in clinical social work. I love social work because it not only focuses on clinical work but on the social, systemic and political systems that create many of the issues clients bring into the therapeutic space. Social workers are both therapists and social/political advocates. I love the idea of exploring and treating the whole system, not just the individuals within the system. I realized in this moment that my desire to become a social worker and therapist was born out of my thirst and passion for exploration.
I knew I wanted to integrate the concept of exploration into my brand and practice as a therapist. However, I knew that it needed something more. I then began to reflect on the work I had done in my own life. Explore summed up who I was and exploration was at the forefront of all work I had done and continue to do. However, If I had to summarize or identify the antagonist in my story it would be a struggle to find myself, a lack of identity. I have spent most of my life feeling lost and ungrounded in who I was and what I wanted for my life. The two things I have struggled with, the two things that have brought me to the brink of destruction in my life more than once are addiction and codependency. The root of both of these things are trauma and a lack of identity, a lack of self and self-worth. This lack of identity and low self-worth has led me to search for my identity in others and substances my entire life. I found myself in this place again at the end of 2018. I had hit a bottom and realized I had to dig myself out...again. This time I needed it to be different. I had been stuck in this cycle and gone around this mountain more times than I could count. I realized that the only way to get out of this for good was to do the work I had been avoiding my whole life; focusing solely on myself and figuring out who I really was. So began the most transformational season of growth I have experienced to this day. During this time I had given up all substances, including alcohol and taken a hiatus from romantic relationships, sex included. I knew I had to remove anything that took me out of my body and out of the present moment. Anything that distracted me from self had to go. I also knew that if I really wanted to figure out who I was I had to face my biggest fear, the fear of being alone. I knew I had to sit with myself without the distraction and input of others which inevitably forced me to sit with emptiness and all the darkest parts of me that I had been running from for so long. I became very intentional about exploring who I was, what I loved, what I hated, what I was allowing to continue in my life, my decisions, my behaviors, my triggers, my motivations, what I was compromising on, the places I was abandoning myself, the pain and dysfunction I was responsible for, my values, my trauma, my beliefs, my passions, my weaknesses, my shame...all of it was on the table. It was and continues to be a very uncomfortable process. However, I sit here today with the greatest measure of gratitude for the work I have done and continue to do. I am finally beginning to know myself, like REALLY know myself; the beautiful and the not so beautiful. I am coming to terms with and learning to love the parts of myself I have always kept hidden out of shame.
I have been on a four year, intentional exploration of self and the result of this exploration? Groundedness, being rooted more authentically in who I truly am. As I was trying to figure out a name that would accurately represent my brand as a therapist I landed on Rooted Explorer. Both words are necessary in the work. Exploration is paramount as it is the drive that leads us to the work and through it. However, being rooted is equally as important. To be rooted means to "be strong, deeply established or firmly fixed." Being deeply rooted in who we truly are is the goal, and exploration is the vehicle that gets us there. When we are rooted, we feel safe and secure within ourselves and our bodies. The safety and security of being rooted in who we are gives us a foundation from which exploration can occur at a deeper and more profound level. It is a cyclical and self sustaining process that has the capacity to move us forward towards wholeness in all stages of life, regardless of circumstance. It is a process that fosters resilience and honors the wisdom we gain from each step; observing and holding ourselves with compassion and without judgement. Additionally, as we explore our inner worlds, self-awareness and insight increases which allows us to make more informed decisions about our lives. The results of this exploration process is multifaceted. We gain greater levels of understanding and insight into who we are, become more aware of the roots and causes of our behaviors and difficulties, create a wholehearted curiosity around the self, establish a more secure and authentic sense of self and find more joy in the process of growth and healing.
I invite you on this journey, I am honored to be here with you <3
Further Exploration:
What themes or concepts above resonated with me and why?
What has been my experience with "Identity Crisis"?
What ideas, concepts or themes would I like to explore about myself?
If I had to choose One Word to encapsulate the very essence of who I am and what I'm about at this moment, what would it be?
